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  • Change the Story

    Have you ever found yourself stuck in a situation where your emotions are heightened and your thoughts frantically fuel the fire? 

    For example, say you and your spouse have a running agreement that they will be responsible for cleaning the dishes, while you are responsible for another chore. One day, you come home from a very long day work, wanting to relax, only to find a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. Suddenly, you feel livid that this chore has not been done, and your immediate instinct is to yell at your spouse for not fulfilling their end of the agreement. Before you find them, your mind gets stuck in a loop, reminding you of all of the other things your spouse has forgotten – or, in your angry brain’s words, “neglected,” – to do in the past. Your anger grows as you remember all of the unfulfilled promises, and you feel ready to explode. You find your spouse and start yelling at them, accusing them of being lazy and not caring about the extra burden they have placed on you. Now, you’re in a fight over something as small as the dishes – but it doesn’t feel small, does it? 

    _____

    Chances are, we have all been in a situation similar to the one I described above. It is also likely that we do not enjoy being in those situations, and neither do the people around us. When you are in those moments, it may feel like the only way to get out is to get the anger out. Doing this might appear to make you feel better as it happens, but I am willing to bet that you ultimately feel bad about your outburst once the intensity of the feelings wears off. If I would win this wager, I have good news! There is another way to cope, without the pending regret. 

    The answer is simple (although in practice, it takes time to master): Change the story. 

    Your thoughts feed into the negative emotions you feel, so instead of allowing them to do so, change them. When you see that pile of dirty dishes, you may not be able to control your immediate response or that first thought, but you can learn to control where your mind takes you after that moment. The first step is recognizing when you are having thoughts like, “they are so lazy!” or, “I can’t believe they forgot ANOTHER chore! I bet they don’t care about me at all!” Once you are able to recognize these thoughts, you can start to interrupt them. Create a conversation with yourself that breaks this loop and no longer feeds into the anger or frustration you may be feeling. Once you hear your mind say, “they are so lazy!,” combat that with something like: “but, they are also incredibly kind and have had a lot on their plate recently.” Force yourself to slow down and think about something good they have done recently in addition to forgetting about this chore, or remind yourself about the reasons why you love them in addition to acknowledging the reasons why they might upset you sometimes. 

    Learning how to recognize and break these thoughts patterns is a process. You won’t get it right every time, and that’s okay. The important thing is to practice this anytime you are noticing your mind stuck in a loop of thoughts, whether there are heightened emotions or not. If you can interrupt more mundane thought patterns, like: “traffic really sucks,” with positive distractions like: “at least now I can listen to my favorite song again!” you will be able to train your brain to recognize and interrupt these patterns in those more intense, dirty-dish moments, too.